Unable to Stay, Unwilling to Leave

Less than a month before my 20th birthday, I moved out to Michigan so that I could "pursue my future" and marry my fiance'. Most kids do the "away from home" bit with college, but I hadn't been ready. I can't say that I regret my decision, because it's pointless and can only lead down a path where I regret my husband. I do wish that I'd known the full weight of my decision, but I was in uncharted waters. As I said, most kids go off to college, but I jumped full force into the dark unknown.

I single-handedly destroyed any career I might have had. I'd been at my first "real" job for less than a year, and hated it. I underestimated the dismal job market in Michigan. I have now been out of work for longer than my employments put together, and nobody in their right mind would look at my resume'. I wish I hadn't slammed that door on myself.

I've lost, and continue to lose, time with those I love. I lost a year of time with Mikenna because I couldn't bring her into that instability. I'm sure I did the right thing, but I still won't get that year back. Since May of 2006, I've spent roughly five weeks with my family. They've aged, and I hate that I notice it. I'm their only child, and I deal with the feeling that I've abandoned them. Among my chief anxieties is that something will happen to one of them and they will be sick and die while I live away from them...I'm afraid that if that were to happen, that I would never forgive myself for leaving.

I've forged connections that will be difficult to break. I've made friends in Michigan, people I genuinely like and care about me more than any of the friends I've had before. I have routine, I have a life, I have my own little niche'. I also know that at some point, I'm going to have to give all of that up in order to be with my family again. (Because unlike that last Twilight book, no, you can't have everything in life, things have to be sacrificed.)

I can't regret what I've done. But I wish that I had fully known in advance the consequences of my decisions.

This has been by far the best visit I've had with my parents in a long time. As always, I've been creeping steadily toward the goodbyes that I knew even before I left would have to come. I must be stronger than I give myself credit for, that I'm even able to say goodbye.

It's a track from the original Titanic soundtrack that I've always liked, and the title is too true.
Unable to stay, unwilling to leave.