A little transparency

The past few weeks/couple months have been really rough on me emotionally. I saw my parents, which is always wonderful, but is like ripping a bandage off a gaping wound...it leaves me so raw when I leave. I accepted Matt going down to Virginia on his own, and what I would do to stay here and bide my time. I was willing to make that sacrifice. Then the dog got sick, and I spent two weeks running around playing poop nanny, being extraordinarily tired, and in limbo over everything else.
On the one hand, at least I'm not waiting to see if Matt has either of the two VA jobs. I'm glad to have those answers. But this puts me in a bigger, more painful limbo.
It's not that, most of the time, I'm not okay with everything, because I am. But it all takes it's toll on me. I haven't had a home in at least two and a half years, and I think there's only so much of the semi-vagabond thing one can take. If I'm going to move around, I just want to sell everything and get an RV. Otherwise, I want to be settled. It's not just about the stuff either, it's life in general. There are some plans that I can make - I know what I'm doing Tuesday, and I've started figuring out what to make Matt's extended family for Christmas. (For the record, I find little joy in presents for the extended relatives. I detest the obligation to do it in the first place.) Short term plans are great...for me, a planner, they're keeping me sane. But there are things like the Photography - that make me feel crippled. I can't really DO anything with my photography until I know where I'm going to BE.
So sometimes, in my raw moments, I feel used. I feel like my emotions keep getting strung along like a yo-yo, and it's my whole life that's being messed with, here! Do I get to be with my parents, or not?!? Do I get to work, or not??
So whether it's "the bigger lesson", or purely for my sanity, I'm having to live day-to-day. I'm keeping myself as busy as I can, doing anything I can. Being busy and throwing my heart into any little project that comes my way, pushes that feeling of being crippled to arm's length.
I'm a person who is hurting...and when I'm hurt, my first instinct is to run off in the corner and lick my wounds. But if I do that too long, I don't want to come out of the corner, and it ends up making things worse. No matter how blatantly anti-social I am, I'd appreciate it if you'd pester me. Find some excuse to draw me out of the bat cave. Invite me over to make cookies. Just ... keep me busy. It's not like I'll cry all over you.

So yeah. There's your Sunday confessional, or the like. Hope those of you around here are enjoying the *beautiful* weather we've had lately!