Thinking out loud

I've been doing a lot of thinking on a couple of things:
- that we're extremely fortunate
- what to do with myself

I've long been aware that "it could be worse", but lately, talking to people, I've felt a lot more of just how fortunate we are. We're not worried about Matt losing his job, we make enough to meet our needs and then some. That right there is more than a lot of people in Michigan can say. Maybe Matt hasn't had the best paying job, maybe we can't be indiscriminate with our money, but it's still enough to be very grateful for. It's been a nice little bit of perspective. I think we're a lot less materialistic than a lot, but I think there's something healthy in taking inventory of things now and then.

But as far as "me" is concerned...
I've said this a thousand times (if not here, then to Matt), "There are SO many things that I want to do..." I just don't know where to start. I know that I need to stop wanting to do and just do. It just gets overwhelming. Matt doesn't understand this. He keeps trying to tell me (essentially. he uses different words) that I need to quit trying to be a rocket scientist on the first day of kindergarten. It is...essentially right. If I can't be all, I buckle and be nothing rather than just taking it in small bites.

I enjoyed high school. I enjoyed knowing my schedule and that there was really no deviating from it. Holidays, yes. But I did school. I knew what was expected of me, from me. I saw tangible results or consequences for my actions. In the "big" picture of life, people tend to measure things based on your house, your kids, your income. Don't want a house, don't want kids any time soon, don't care about having a lot of money. So ... (shifty eyes) yeeah. I'm epic fail on the "life" report card, and I've got no other concrete "grading system". It reminds me of a simpsons episode where the teachers go on strike, and Lisa, in her need for affirmation and that structure, runs up to Marge with a piece of paper and pleads "GRADE ME!!! GRADE ME!!! PLEEEEEEASE!!!"

Anyway, it's the whole balancing my anxieties and fears with what I want to do. For instance, if we had the money (and I suppose we could make the money), I would like to take college classes. But, when we freely had the money, my fear of having to walk into a college admissions office and actually talk to someone seriously kept me from doing it. My fear of the Michigan roads keeps me from going out (much) in the winter - even though my first winter I lived on the dirt roads and was fine - last year I was obligated to go out on roads worse than what we've seen yet this year and was fine. I'm glad that I'm not obligated to go out this year, and haven't had to "dukes of hazard" myself into my car like I did last winter. But I feel like having the freedom to choose, is only enabling me to choose to be afraid. (Make sense?) Anyone who has struggled with somewhat crippling anxiety would understand that it is very easy to say that tomorrow, I'm getting in my car and taking it in for an oil change...but that come tomorrow, the dread is monumental. It's weird. Some days I feel so brave, or rather, nothing fazes me. Other days, it's just...

I also keep re-thinking the photography. Don't get me wrong, I love it, I'm sure that if I really put myself into it, I could be successful. I just cringe when I see "Wedding packages starting at $1500" for four hours of coverage and some proofs in a box. While it would be great, on the one hand, to make that kind of money, I just have a hard time justifying charging that much or more. However, I know the unspoken rule that the more you charge, the more respect you get from the clients. People don't make asinine requests of you when they're paying good money. (Yes, people will make requests, but it just works differently. You don't get people trying to tell you how to do your job if they're paying you.)

I want to be taken seriously about things, but I realize, I give people nothing to take me seriously with. I don't play by their rules.

I really just don't know what to say at this point. What it really boils down to is that it would be great if I just knew the end goal. If someone were to point at a piece of paper and say "ok, this is where you're going to need to be in five years. aaaand ... go!"

*shrug* No point to this, really. Not really looking for guidance, or intelligence, or answers. Just thinking out loud.