I make grandmas cry

Ok, not quite, but almost.

My mom always said that I had a good heart, and for years, I didn't know what she meant. It wasn't until high school that I sort of figured it out, and not until the last year or so that I could pinpoint it. We all "feel good" when we make someone happy. But I love to see people happy...it's like fresh air and sunshine for me - it's life. But when I see people hurting, I feel it, too...and if I'm the cause of that pain, I just can't bear it.

When I was very little, I was convinced that I could make my grandpa better. He once had a heart attack and when we went to see him, I sat in the hospital bed with him and cuddled at his side, and when he got better, my family told me that I'd made him better. But then he got cancer, and he was in the hospital again. My mom told me, and I said to her, "oh, that's okay. I'll go out there and make him better." and they had to explain to me that I couldn't make him better. (I tried anyway) Somewhere, in the very back corners of my mind, I feel like my life philosophy stems from this...I just want to make it better. For my friends, I want to make them happier. But for the sad, the sick, the lonely, friend or not...I just want to make them better in any way I can. I've cried myself to sleep many nights over things that I just can't make better.

It wasn't until high school that I learned just how loving on people, how my desire to "make things better" for them, left me so vulnerable. That's how it has to be, though. But naturally for the naive, I got taken advantage of. I never stopped caring, I just got very careful about who I let myself pour into. But I figured out that I just can't be like that. With what I had for a sphere of influence after high school, it was like living in that part of Antarctica that only sees a few days of sunshine a year.

Figuring out that I can't just pour out a little has made me so much happier. I realize that it leaves me open to a lot more hurt, to taking burdens to heart, to running the risk of getting walked over. But you've got to take the bad with the good, and it's a price I'm willing to pay. I just want to "make it better" in whatever capacity I'm allowed.

So, if you're wondering why I almost made a grandma cry...well, a friend of ours, their grandma had heart surgery, and I sent her a get-well card. I guess she liked it, which is cool.

Sorry. I rambled. I just ... I dunno. I'm up too late, that's for sure.