Mmm...tastes like epiphany.

So, I read over these old journals of mine the other day. Some of it was really cringe worthy...like everything related to crushes. Ugh. But I did find something that made me laugh. In some entry from early 1998, I was evidently frustrated with science and said something to the extent of: "Medicine and teaching preschool don't take science!" After beating my head on the wall - medicine doesn't take science? SERIOUSLY? - I was really amused. I don't remember ever having an interest in medicine. Apparently it must have been fleeting, probably when someone cued me in on medicine requiring science...and math. But I noticed a recurring theme over the roughly seven years that they spanned - my ambitions always came back to kids. Over the years I mentioned wanting to be a preschool teacher, a teacher, youth leader, sunday school teacher...and then the extranous thing like "musician" or "medicine".

Flash forward to tonight. Weaving through the apartment complex which has been over-run by kids who won't move out of the road when you're trying to drive. "I hate kids." I muttered. As soon as I said it, the statement surprised me. I churned all of it over in my head. What do I spend my volunteer time on? A pregnancy center and compassion. My first job was as a camp counselor for 5-9 year olds. I love doting on my friends' kids...you know, when they actually live close enough for me to dote on them.

So, I had myself an epiphany. ;) I don't hate kids. I do love kids. BUT! I really don't think I want my own. I know I've mentioned that thought before, but I'm really feeling strongly about it now. I used to insist to my mom when I was younger that I wasn't going to have kids. It wasn't until Matt that I strongly considered it...but no. When I think about the future, none of my visions come with kids.

Just...for the love of life, don't tell my mother-in-law. That side of the family has had me on uterus watch since the wedding, and MIL mentions grandchildren an average of twice a month.

Ugh. I should go to bed. I have to get up early tomorrow, but I just don't feel like sleeping. I'm more awake tonight than I've been in weeks.