Yay and Yar

This morning the puppygirl woke me up twice because she had to puke. Well, it's not that she woke me up in the sense of warning me that she had to puke, it was more sheer luck that I woke up and paid attention. At least I managed to direct it to the linoleum both times, rather than the bed. A bile-y bed would have been no good.

Little Miss Aery bean is geting her feline female bits cut out on Tuesday. I feel really sorry for her, in that, I can't explain to her what's going on and that it's for her own good. Instead, I'm going to grab her in her crate at 8 am, put her in the scary car, drive her to a place she's never been, leave her there so she can get handled by people she doesn't know, who are going to poke her with things and then when she wakes up, she's going to be all alone and in lots of pain. I wish I could tell her that it's really for her own good and that I'm only doing it because I love her. :(

I think my wrist is on the mend, while it feels kinda funky today, I still managed to bowl at least 6 pins above my average each game, so I must be doing something right. (We took totals by 1 pin!)

I'm also very excited to say that I had the most shows, and the highest sales total of my entire Pampered Chef team last month! I'm also excited to say that, because this month will not be the same story. Or even close. :) But yeah, that gave me an awesome sense of accomplishment and I was on top of the world for the next 20 minutes.

...Until I heard that we are expecting "at least 6 inches of snow" this weekend. Seriously, I don't even remember snow like this. The part of Colorado that I lived in - not a whole lot of snow. New Jersey? Also not very much snow. I recall two occasions where we got something like 6-12", and I was in shock. This really feels like the endless winter, and while I can appreciate some snow and some cold, it really feels never-ending. I could even somewhat tolerate it in January and February. But March is starting to trespass into Spring for me, especially once daylight savings ends. That to me is the marker of spring, and so all this bloody snow had better quit! I'm sick of running the heat, and I'm even sicker of the fact that it only seems to dump snow on the days I have free to go look for apartments. HELLO! WE NEED A PLACE TO LIVE IN A MONTH!!! Seriously, I feel like a really wimpy girl for admitting this, but it's getting to the point where it makes me want to cry. I'm emotionally wiped out by snow. Here's hoping that it blows over and warms up soon, because I can't take much more.

Lastly, I'm going to open myself up in a way that I don't normally do. I don't like the way I look - at all. But here's the thing, it's not the typical female way of weird demeaning ourselves. I think I am an attractive girl, I have killer eyes, a pretty smile, and I think my face is uuber cute, and I could BE "hot". The problem is my weight. It's something I've struggled with, and ultimately, it's crushed my self esteem in an irreparable way. My parents raised me as encouragingly as they could, my husband has never said a negative word of me, I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm a good person. If I speak negatively of my appearance, trust me, I'm directly referencing my weight. I successfully lost about 20 lbs (by dieting alone, though I wouldn't recommend it - I really wasn't eating breakfast or lunch) my sophomore year, before getting incredibly stressed out before my junior year and putting on 40. Right after I started dating Stan, I cut back on pop and just watched my portions, and fell in love with the treadmill. I could walk on that thing for an hour or more a night - every night - and not even blink an eye. I lost almost 40 lbs in a little over 3 months. Then I started working full time, got tired, got engaged, and moved out to Michigan. I got really stressed out and gained ... a lot of weight. The more pressure I had to lose weight for my wedding, the less I was able to. Stan and I ... we eat pretty well, we're learning, and making changes one at a time. We rarely drink any pop, we don't eat out, we do a pretty good job limiting junk and sweets. Yet, I'm far heavier than I've ever been, and I hate it. I don't feel like I look cute in anything - ever. I know that my metabolism isn't going to last forever, and it's going to get harder as I get older. It's getting to the point where I'm afraid that if I don't do something about this and keep going down this path, someday, I'm going to be one of THOSE women who need two airline seats, who can't shop at regular stores, who need a 3, 4, or 5x.

I fell in love with exercise once, and I want to do it again. I felt great when I was exercising regularly, it wasn't even all about the weight loss. I just loved doing it. I've tried various ways of self-motivation, but in the end, I fall short. I need some form of accountability, but I struggle accepting it from those I'm close to. It either ends up being that I take it negatively (what? did I exercise? why? do you think I'm horribly ugly?!) or I laugh it off (sure, I'll exercise later...or never). But I seem to do okay with accountability from strangers, or people I'm not super tight with. So, I joined curves yesterday. In a way, I'm embarassed to admit it, because it feels like a failure on my part - I'm not disciplined enough to just do this on my own. But if I don't own this, if I don't swallow my pride and do it, that's just plain dumb. I'm hoping that the fact that I've signed a year contract, and that I'm pouring money into it will FORCE me to go. I'm hoping that it will re-kindle that enthusiasm for exercising, because I think that if I could just get myself back in the habit of it, other things would fall into place. (Okay, come on, if you're exercising, do you really want to counteract it with that slab of chocolate cake?) It's really ... not ME to talk about trying to lose weight, or how I feel in regards to all this. But I'm saying it, not because I want to be asked about it, not because I think more than a couple of my friends read this, but because if I put it all out there, it's more motivating for me to stick with it. Whether they do or not, if I *think* all my friends know about this, then by golly, I'd better go at least 3x a week and work my butt off.

Sorry that my blog entries have been so lengthy lately. I feel like such an emo girl.