Want. Need. Have.

Something today is making the words refuse to flow. It's like written version of stuttering, I begin to type, but then the words get "stuck". In my mind, there is vivid emotions and vague pictures, but the words are few and far between. So this is my 'brain dump', and will be less than eloquent.

I moved out here almost two years ago for heaven knows what reason. I had it in my mind that I had to get out of New Jersey, and since I was engaged, it was natural for me to move to where we'd agreed on having the wedding. Hindsight being what it is, I should have waited, but I was miserable at my job, heartsick for my fiance', and sick of the chaotic mess that is New Jersey. Michigan was the 'promised land' in a sense, a mythical place where there were friends in abundance and...and...I'm not sure what else. I knew there weren't jobs to be had, though I was quite naive and didn't believe this problem applied to me. Surely I would find a fabulous graphic design job within a matter of moments, love the job, love the area, find an apartment, and be the absolute darling of the state. I would have money coming out of my ears and be able to fly home whenever I pleased.

So to say that the past two years have been a sobering, humbling, and at times crushing experience ... might just cover it. Part of me regrets what can only be described as a very rash decision. Though part of the beauty of this is that I've grown up in leaps and bounds, something that wouldn't be the same if I had actually had a very easy road. So I can't really regret it - the paradox, right? I got the thing I wanted most, which was to be with my fiance and plan my wedding. I got what I needed, and that was to NOT be homeless, and maintained a couple jobs just long enough to cover some of the more pressing expenses - though obviously the big picture didn't include either job. I needed to grow up and learn that outside of the arms of my parents - no one cares for me quite as much. I also learned that as much as my parents care for me, they are not always able to save me, with my dad's layoff last year. I didn't come out here and meet my oh-em-gee be-eff-eff, though I do have some very good friends. I found that I have quite a bit of stuff that I don't need, that is unusable, that without the proper context, is just ... stuff. I don't have the money that for some reason, against better sense and reason, I thought I would have. We can't buy just anything we want on a whim, but we are by no means lacking.

As a child, you hear "do you want this, or do you need this?" to try and help you distinguish between the two. Yet sometimes, we still mix up the two. I'm learning that there is a huge difference between what we want, what we need, and even what we can have sometimes. Sometimes what we think we need, really isn't, and if we're (un?)lucky enough to get it anyway, we're left dealing with that.

Patience. If we had more patience, it would help us distinguish between the voices of want and need. If what we want is what we need, and we have patience (and perseverence), then we'll have it. Why do we tempt fate and push for things to happen out of their natural course?

I want to be with my family.
I need to go to the grocery store.
I have animals on my lap.