In the land of make believe

I'm feeling introspective this week. :)

I am an only child. I have never ever wished for siblings, and in fact, would have nightmares about my mom having more children, and I would feel betrayed and angry. I've never liked the stereotype of only children being spoiled rotten. I'm sure that for some families it's true, and to an extent, well, yes, I am/was spoiled, but I've always had something of a decent head on my shoulders, and a relatively low sense of entitlement. I was never given everything that I wanted, because I, despite having more Barbies than Mattel, never had a Barbie house. (That last statement is to be taken with somewhat of a grain of salt, by the way.)

People have asked me over the years - weren't you lonely as a child? I shuffle uncomfortably at this question and then shrug and say "Sometimes?" with absolutely no conviction in my voice. I feel like the correct answer is "yes", but I'm not sure that I ever really was. I had a fair amount of neighborhood friends, I loved to read, I had my parents, but most of all, I had my imagination. I could sit down in the basement for hours playing with my Barbies, legos, or some other instrument of imagination. I once had a conversation with my husband about how I love playing marbles. Then, I quickly realized that I've never actually played "marbles". I created wars between my marbles, since I primarily had two "types" of marbles. Sometimes one marble of one type would fall in love with a marble of the other type, and hysteria would ensue. My Popsicle sticks, when not being built into shabby shanties or coasters, had personalities.

My favorite friends were always the ones who would make-believe with me. I think I might have been closest to the next door neighbor because her immaturity (she was a couple years younger than me) made 'make-believe' last longer than with some of my other friends. I had a friend at my church in Greeley, her name was Jasmine - our moms went to this row of antique stores a few towns over on occasion. Jasmine and I would walk around the store, pretending that we were characters from Star Wars some time after episode VI. I was in love with Han Solo, but there were problems in the new republic and we often had to be separated. I think Jasmine was my maid, or lady in waiting. (Her choosing, really!)

In junior high, my friend Christina and I had a more 'dignified' version of make-believe. I don't think we ever "acted it out" really, unless we were being really silly that day. But we would sit on a swingset and make up stories. We got quite into them - or - at least I know that I did. Eventually we grew up and grew away from that.

Maybe that's why I like (in theory) to write, because I can still 'make believe'.

Some of our friends occasionally throw out the idea of doing a tabletop rpg. This doesn't typically work well with the group, as they usually sit there fixated on the little figurines chosen to represent each other, and things like "okay. how close are we? like, can I hit that womprat from six squares away, or do I need to move one?" They just ... never really get into it. I consider it one of the most droll things in the whole universe. However, when we agreed to do it this time around, Jeremy made it clear that he wanted it to be different this time. So I decided, well, I was going to make it different.

After I jumped off my chair and tried to hide under the table, they groaned and told me to knock it off, but I think the point was made. I discovered that I could really get into it, for whatever reason. It's not that I was playing something easy - no - I'm a quarter demon blood for crying out loud. I am chaotic neutral. I am a rogue. None of this is actually me, but yet, it gave me a freedom that I haven't had. I can be boisterous, obnoxious, and crafty, and as well I should, because that's Lilian. But in the process, I've discovered that, hey. I can be more talkative and goofy, and ... I don't have to then revert to the meek little shadow at the end.

I prodded Olson to dance with me. And I prodded him. And I poked at him. And I finally got him to agree to dance with me - for five seconds - and he got to throw me, too. That's not something I would have dared do a year ago, or even six months ago.

I'm rambling. Does any of that make sense? How we're playing DnD, it appeals to my buried love of make-believe. In playing make-believe, I can do basically whatever, and it's allowed me the freedom to see that, if I can be that outlandish, surely I can just be myself!

So....uh. Yeah.