When words aren't enough

I apologize for being vague and emo. I'm running on quite little sleep and up exceptionally early, and it's fueled by pure stress. Being that I tend to be such an open book, it's really hard for me, when I have to actually bite my tongue online.

Today, I'm having a really hard time with the concept of fairness. I realize that organizations can be corrupt, that even well-intentioned ones are not free from the taint of sinful humans. But how can those that call themselves a Christian institution get away with something like this ... something so (for lack of a nicer word) clusterfucked.

Granted, it's not like they saw the bigger picture. Certainly they didn't see the history, they didn't understand how much this meant to us in the first place...that it came at a very needed moment and was, well ... it was like a sign. They didn't understand that they were screwing with lives here. No, of course not - the real bullshitters in life never understand that.

What I don't like is how this screws with me on multiple levels. It messes with me for the obvious reasons. But it also messes with me because it makes me question fundamentals...Justice, fairness, Christianity, and almost everything I've believed about the course of my life for 2 years. (I bet they never considered that, did they?) There are certain things I've done, steps I've taken, all believing that while the details were vague, this one thing was certain. Now I don't know that at all, and that's horrifying to me.

I don't like the feeling of helplessness...again.

I guess I should temper that - I already know that this isn't forever, it's not the end of the world or life as we know it. I can see the potential for a bigger picture, for things broken and remade better than they were. But I'm still struggling not to be angry, because this shouldn't have had to happen in the first place. I believe this will bring out the best, but I've been at a state of "pretty frazzled" internally for several months now (probably since November, if I'm being honest), and I need it to be over. I need every thing to fall back into place and I need rest.

Sufficient vagueness to cover the next year, I think.